Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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