Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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