grandma shit on top of the toilet
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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