omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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