saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
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