I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
whose ass print is on the piano?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
