Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
