i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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