she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
