Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
try to milk me bitch
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