I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
