Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
