I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
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No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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