I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
