When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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