So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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