The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
