I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
