drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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