He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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