I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
