If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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