my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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