Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
well, you know. whores of a feather.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
