Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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