so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
