I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
