There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
