Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
