is your mom at the bar?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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