he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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