its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
