rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
