I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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