I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
