i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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