just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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