I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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