Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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