you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
