Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
