I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
