Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
