I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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