Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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