I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
