So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
