I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
