I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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