i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We got so high we made milksteak
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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