Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
