Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
