My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
