i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's not a walk of shame if you run
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
