i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize