it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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