I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
