So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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