Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
