dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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