don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
