I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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