Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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