I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
