first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
